I've talked to my closest local friends and to Shane about my rather neutral feelings about this baby. I'm going to be real and put it out here for you all to read as well.
When I found out I was pregnant, I blogged about waking up weeping later that night. After we started telling people and the responses were so giddy, I got more excited. However, as time goes on I've mellowed back to being not-so-excited. Do the hormones, morning sickness and fatigue have something to do with it? Without a doubt. I know in previous pregnancies, I couldn't even look at maternity clothes or cute baby things without mentally gagging until I was very clear of the first trimester.
But there is more. Probably because my parenting (and house cleaning and financial planning) skills have taken a back seat to survival, I'm viewing the situation through blue colored glasses. The usual optimistic Wendy is dreading parenting one more baby. I know if I had my normal energy back, I'd feel invigorated by the challenge (maybe!) but I'm not there yet.
So, while I'm waiting for that energy to return (any moment would be fine by me!), I'm anxious. I've been parenting the lazy way for two months. You know, with the attitude of "just get out of my hair" kind of problem solving, not true discipling of my children. The thought of another curtain climber (and if this one is anything like Jaybird, a true curtain climber she/he may be), makes me want to just go back to bed.
This is not how I want to live. So, this morning I'm seeking some encouragement from the Bible and I turn to Philippians. Its quiet and I get to read the whole book (all four chapters). Chapter 4 verses 4-7 say this:
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
The first time I read it through today, I read verse 5 to say, "Let your gladness be evident to all." Gladness goes much better with rejoicing, wouldn't you say? After I reread it, I prayed, "Lord, what is Paul talking about? What does gentleness have to do with rejoicing?" I felt in my heart that when we are in an attitude of rejoicing, we are gentle and it can be seen by others. When I'm rejoicing, I'm not easily going to just snap at my children, I'm more likely to be the gentle parent I want to be.
I didn't read this passage, meditate on it and magically feel excited about chasing one more toddler around. But I have hope that as God works on my heart, the rejoicing will come more easily. I confessed my anxiety to him (and to you, now), I prayed and petitioned him to change my heart and I thanked him for the peace he promises will come. (Would it have been too much to ask for a maid to be included in that promise???)
I know I'm not the only one facing some anxiety that steals our joy and ability to rejoice. Be encouraged today that verse 5 ends with "the Lord is near." He's near even when we're messing it up royally. He cares and wants to give us peace.