Thursday, May 1, 2008

I've talked to my closest local friends and to Shane about my rather neutral feelings about this baby. I'm going to be real and put it out here for you all to read as well.

When I found out I was pregnant, I blogged about waking up weeping later that night. After we started telling people and the responses were so giddy, I got more excited. However, as time goes on I've mellowed back to being not-so-excited. Do the hormones, morning sickness and fatigue have something to do with it? Without a doubt. I know in previous pregnancies, I couldn't even look at maternity clothes or cute baby things without mentally gagging until I was very clear of the first trimester.

But there is more. Probably because my parenting (and house cleaning and financial planning) skills have taken a back seat to survival, I'm viewing the situation through blue colored glasses. The usual optimistic Wendy is dreading parenting one more baby. I know if I had my normal energy back, I'd feel invigorated by the challenge (maybe!) but I'm not there yet.

So, while I'm waiting for that energy to return (any moment would be fine by me!), I'm anxious. I've been parenting the lazy way for two months. You know, with the attitude of "just get out of my hair" kind of problem solving, not true discipling of my children. The thought of another curtain climber (and if this one is anything like Jaybird, a true curtain climber she/he may be), makes me want to just go back to bed.

This is not how I want to live. So, this morning I'm seeking some encouragement from the Bible and I turn to Philippians. Its quiet and I get to read the whole book (all four chapters). Chapter 4 verses 4-7 say this:

4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

The first time I read it through today, I read verse 5 to say, "Let your gladness be evident to all." Gladness goes much better with rejoicing, wouldn't you say? After I reread it, I prayed, "Lord, what is Paul talking about? What does gentleness have to do with rejoicing?" I felt in my heart that when we are in an attitude of rejoicing, we are gentle and it can be seen by others. When I'm rejoicing, I'm not easily going to just snap at my children, I'm more likely to be the gentle parent I want to be.

I didn't read this passage, meditate on it and magically feel excited about chasing one more toddler around. But I have hope that as God works on my heart, the rejoicing will come more easily. I confessed my anxiety to him (and to you, now), I prayed and petitioned him to change my heart and I thanked him for the peace he promises will come. (Would it have been too much to ask for a maid to be included in that promise???)

I know I'm not the only one facing some anxiety that steals our joy and ability to rejoice. Be encouraged today that verse 5 ends with "the Lord is near." He's near even when we're messing it up royally. He cares and wants to give us peace.


Jamie said...

Im here for you. Always remember that this is a blessing, and that God will not put you through anything that he thinks you cannot handle. Even with your doubts, You can handle this! Rejoyce and be Glad in it. You are the best Mom I know. If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask me. I love ya

Amber said...

Thank you for sharing this...God will be with you each step of the curtain climbing way!

Anonymous said...

Dear Sister in Christ,
I stumbled upon your blog through the "math u see" website. I read one post and this was it. I have to tell you I know how you feel. Just a year ago baby Montana arrived. I had many nights that I would pretty much sob myself to sleep wondering "Didn't God know how content I was with four?" How was I going to homeschool all of these blessings? What about money? What about my time alone with my hubby? What about ME?? ME? ME? (ick, that last part is ugly) The Lord had me read Psalm 127 over and over. What a precious gift He has given my beloved and I. Be encouraged dear one. You will hold that precious child and think 'how could we have ever of been a family with you?'
Even though we don't know one another or will probablly never meet on this side of heaven, I will pray for you as you come to mind. Praise God that the LORD is near!
God Bless you.
Joanna CA
Blessed to be Mike's wife and mama to Maddie, Malorie, Matthew(waiting for us in heaven)Micah, Mason and baby Montana.

Wendy said...

You all are so very sweet and encouraging! I am feeling your prayers. If you're checking back here, you've probably already read my update-God is working and He is good, all the time!

Joanna, thank you for commenting the very first time you came here. I know you didn't really stumble here, your path was directed. Your comment was perfect for me to read today.

Andrea said...

Thank God he gives us 9 months to prepare ourselves for a baby instead of the 21 days the poor lowly chicken is given....

When you get out in the country, you can just lock them all outdoors when you need a break! Funny, but not exactly what you wanted to hear, eh?

I, for one, know that you and Shane are going to continue to be excellent parents. Satan, quit sowing doubt into my sister's heart and mind! OUT!

You are beautiful to me even in the midst of your dearth, you God seeker, you!

Praise the Lord for little Samuel or little Sammi. Your kids are high entertainment to me.

Love you,Sissy.
Andi Kaye

Andrea said...

Wow, Joanna!! I want to meet you! How's about a rocking chair on the front porch of that mansion prepared for us? Okay, you can have the hammock!