I'm 14 weeks today and we heard the little one's heartbeat at the OBs office. Very sweet!
This weekend while in Tulsa for a karate tournament (I'll post some pics of that soon), Ash's karate instructor was introducing me to another student's mother. She gave our family background and included that I'm expecting #5. The woman, who was very nice, said, "And you look thrilled." She was being sarcastic. My heart kind of hurt since I did not realize my feelings were being worn on my sleeve. I thought I was just listening to her introduce me...
I pondered this until today, when I confessed it to Shane and told him how guilty I felt about it. He quickly reminded me that we were nearing the end of a long day, we had traveled seven hours the day before and stayed in a "smoking" hotel room that made all of us feel rotten. I was taking it too seriously, and thanks to Shane, I saw that.
However, I have also come to another conclusion. When I was a newlywed, I dreamed of having a JCP baby. You know, I'd salivate over the beautiful nurseries set up in the Penney's catalog and long for a baby. Then I had one. And another. One of those has a pretty strong personality and is a lot of work. Another had an attitude I prayed about for years. Then another, a C-section that made bouncing back a little slow. Then another, who has been called the "most strong willed child I've ever met" by a good friend. Dishes, laundry, diaper changes, school books, and piano lessons grow with each child. Along with differing learning styles and responses to discipline.
Parenting takes a lot of in the trenches, on your knees kind of work. There are many thankless tasks that never can be completed. You'll always have to wipe a face, wipe a counter top, and wipe a bottom again. It's not all beautiful layettes and pristine dream nurseries. It's nursing the baby while reminding the preschooler (again) to be quiet while you help the oldest with math while still in your PJs.
Of course I know all the good things, too. Like seeing that Jaybird made up her own sign for prayer and seeing her remind us to pray before our meal. We stop to smell the parental roses a lot.
But the roses don't come without weeding and the occasional thorn prick.
So, I'm not jumping up and down and telling the world I'm pregnant. I'm wondering if I can parent five children well. I'm wondering how many will need therapy because of my faults. I'm thinking about reading the same school books five times--or worse, teaching algebra or biology (think dissecting!) five times!
But, I am a mother of five children. I think about this little one and protect it. I am looking foward to feeling the first kicks in the next month or so. I ponder baby names and wonder if my heart will break if its not a boy...or not a girl. I have a deep joy and thankfullness for this life.
And, I laugh. I laugh at buying yogurt targeted at pregnant women, diapers, and a teeny sports bra for my tween all in one trip. You know, in a few years my shopping list will contain Depends, feminine products, mini bras and diapers!