We may not have a middle name for this baby, but we finally came to a conclusion that might mean she's not the caboose.
This is crazy, just hang in here with me.
This may be the first time God's asked me to do something big that I've not wanted to do. At all. I feel like Jonah. If I had my druthers, I'd go the opposite direction than where it appears we're heading.
I've stated to friends and I believe here on the blog that I just don't know what to do with the fact that God probably has a good ten (or more!) more years of fertility ahead for me. I just can't make myself believe that it's okay to just cut that off. He didn't put it there by accident after all.
So, I've thought and prayed for the last few weeks. We made a vasectomy consult appt. with Shane's doctor. We cancelled per my request. I've really been wrestling with this. I came upon a passage in Let the Nations be Glad (of all books-it's about missions, not family size!). It's referring to Adam & Eve and then to all men:
They are finite and do not have the wisdom to know all the factors to take into account in living a happy life. Only God knows all that needs to be known. Therefore, humans have no right to be independent of God. Independent judgment about what is helpful and harmful is folly and rebellion.
John Piper put to words my exact thoughts.
As I read this to Shane this morning, we discussed the fact that there is no black & white way to say what decisions can be made in our own judgments and what can't. So, if we make the decision that our kids can spend the day with their grandparents without first consulting God, are we exercising independent judgment?
That's a good question, but not the point here. The point is that altering one of our bodies in a way to forever close the door on additional children (without a clear peace about it from God or a medical reason-which we have neither of) is probably an act of independent judgment. Shane and I both agreed to this. In the Sonic parking lot.
Interestingly, I don't find using non-abortifacient birth control methods convicting at all. I guess I feel God has so much more control in that situation. Our hearts can still be open to a change of mind. In the past, we've used NFP with hearts constantly open to God's intervening. If God allowed a pregnancy to occur or if He were to speak to our hearts to tell us we weren't done, we were great with it.
I can't say I'm great with it now. I am satisfied with our 5. I am not interested in being on the Discovery Channel with a family the size of a small village. Answering the questions that come to big families is not on my favorite things to do list...and weddings and college might do us in...
Yet I know to run like Jonah is not the right answer. There is no (affordable) boat back to Nineveh. It's a one way trip and I'm sure tempted to buy a ticket. I'm jealous of my friends who so easily made the decision without all this internal turmoil. Why do they get the pass? Believe me friends, there's no judgment here, just wonder about why it's been so different for me.
All I know is this: if it's true that I can't really know what will make me happy and that I can't know what will happen in the future, then I can rest in the fact that my Father does. Yet I still might have to pray strength over the Trojans before they're used, lol!
So, if any of you have a way to answer the are you done yet question to strangers in Wal Mart, I'd love your help!