We have a decision

We may not have a middle name for this baby, but we finally came to a conclusion that might mean she's not the caboose.

This is crazy, just hang in here with me.

This may be the first time God's asked me to do something big that I've not wanted to do. At all. I feel like Jonah. If I had my druthers, I'd go the opposite direction than where it appears we're heading.

I've stated to friends and I believe here on the blog that I just don't know what to do with the fact that God probably has a good ten (or more!) more years of fertility ahead for me. I just can't make myself believe that it's okay to just cut that off. He didn't put it there by accident after all.

So, I've thought and prayed for the last few weeks. We made a vasectomy consult appt. with Shane's doctor. We cancelled per my request. I've really been wrestling with this. I came upon a passage in Let the Nations be Glad (of all books-it's about missions, not family size!). It's referring to Adam & Eve and then to all men:

They are finite and do not have the wisdom to know all the factors to take into account in living a happy life. Only God knows all that needs to be known. Therefore, humans have no right to be independent of God. Independent judgment about what is helpful and harmful is folly and rebellion.

John Piper put to words my exact thoughts.

As I read this to Shane this morning, we discussed the fact that there is no black & white way to say what decisions can be made in our own judgments and what can't. So, if we make the decision that our kids can spend the day with their grandparents without first consulting God, are we exercising independent judgment?

That's a good question, but not the point here. The point is that altering one of our bodies in a way to forever close the door on additional children (without a clear peace about it from God or a medical reason-which we have neither of) is probably an act of independent judgment. Shane and I both agreed to this. In the Sonic parking lot.

Interestingly, I don't find using non-abortifacient birth control methods convicting at all. I guess I feel God has so much more control in that situation. Our hearts can still be open to a change of mind. In the past, we've used NFP with hearts constantly open to God's intervening. If God allowed a pregnancy to occur or if He were to speak to our hearts to tell us we weren't done, we were great with it.

I can't say I'm great with it now. I am satisfied with our 5. I am not interested in being on the Discovery Channel with a family the size of a small village. Answering the questions that come to big families is not on my favorite things to do list...and weddings and college might do us in...

Yet I know to run like Jonah is not the right answer. There is no (affordable) boat back to Nineveh. It's a one way trip and I'm sure tempted to buy a ticket. I'm jealous of my friends who so easily made the decision without all this internal turmoil. Why do they get the pass? Believe me friends, there's no judgment here, just wonder about why it's been so different for me.

All I know is this: if it's true that I can't really know what will make me happy and that I can't know what will happen in the future, then I can rest in the fact that my Father does. Yet I still might have to pray strength over the Trojans before they're used, lol!

So, if any of you have a way to answer the are you done yet question to strangers in Wal Mart, I'd love your help!

10 Good Things

My new friend Vix, a fellow Sonlighter and mom of 5 (she also has a girl on the way!) invited me to play 10 Good Things. We have to list 10 things going well in our lives, and three have to be about things we're complaining about (Ahem, I do NOT complain, lol!)

1. The weather is incredible! Cool in the evenings & mornings, pleasant at the warmest part of the day.

2. We've successfully completed 3 weeks of school-3 cores going on at once (that's 3 grades to those of you not in the Sonlight world).

3. I have some sling material I got for a song waiting for me!

4. We joined Netflix last night so I can FINALLY pick out movies I want to watch (video stores disgust me with all their gruesome or R rated covers for my husband and children to see).

5. I started my Christmas shopping! Okay, only one item, but I have a nice list going!

6. Pumpkins have arrived at Wal-Mart-can't wait to get some for the porch.

7. My friend Leah and my friend Jennifer are both starting fantastic new seasons in their lives--one even got a new last name :)

8. The mystery I can't tell you about is developing nicely...maybe I've complained about this one...

9. We received our first end-of-pregnancy baby gift-a hand made blanket from Shane's boss. We received some cutie pie socks when I found out I was pregnant...

10. God is working in our family-I could write a lot more than 10 good things!

If you're reading this, consider it an invite to play along!

Missions and Money

With missions on my mind, I've been thinking of ways to be involved. One of the most obvious ways is financially but this avenue has been somewhat poo-poo'ed by some.

Let me explain: With an attitude against our wealthy American ways, people have snubbed American money being dropped into the mission's plate while the giver goes on with their selfish ways.

I'm not saying people don't give in an unsacrificial manner. I'm sure we all have been guilty.

But who does that matter to? Isn't it between the giver and their God?

Why do we get all worked up judging others' giving?

If God is our Provider and supplies all our needs, then the attitude and generosity (or lack of) shouldn't matter to us, right?

With my experience in ministry, ministry that needed funds-I can tell you we all appreciated a cheerful giver, but we'd be thankful for the provision regardless of the giver's heart!

And while we're talking about it, let me open up a can of worms: United Way money. There is a huge misunderstanding that all UW money is tainted with Planned Parenthood involvement. First, this isn't true-each local UW Organization chooses which charities they'll support. The top level has provided funds to PP, which is a shame but that doesn't mean our local PRC won't accept donations from our local, rather conservative, UW. They've been a lifeline for us!

And secondly-what is wrong with taking money away from Planned Parenthood? If the UW wants to take some of the funds from PP and give them to pro-life organizations that stand for Truth, why would PRCs want to object, possibly sending the funds right back to PP's pockets?

Money's origin and the attitude behind it...again, I'm not saying it's not an issue-I'm saying it's not OUR issue.

I think we get way too tied up in judging the origins/attitudes and miss the provision. My husband gave to a local United Way from his paycheck each week. It was a sacrifice. Was this sacrifice snubbed by a pro-life organization who didn't want to be dirtied by Planned Parenthood associations (not even knowing if they existed or not)? Ironic, huh?

So there's my soapbox. Let's be big givers to causes in which we see God moving. Let's not spin our wheels analyzing the giving of others. Sounds easy enough ;)

I've been so blessed to sit under some great teaching the last two nights. A dynamic man of God named Dave works as a missions mobilizer and he poured into our small group this week.

The first night (last night) I came home with a stirring in my heart. Don't worry, I don't feel called to be a missionary after one brush with all this global talk. What I feel is deep though. I am certain that I can't adequately convey it all here.

Last night's theme was about big picture thinking, not viewing life through our myopic tendecies. Dave started with the tower of Babel, which I'd just read to Bethany that morning. I've always thought of this little story as simply a way to explain our diverse coloring and language. I had no idea it is so central to what God's doing right now in the world. Dave explained that God is gathering his scattered people; that God's been working towards this end since the the scattering occurred.

Our little lives and our obsession with God's will for our life (and our life alone) takes us off track of working alongside God in his pursuit of the scattered people. Much of what Dave said sounded very Henry Blackaby-ish: Find out what God is doing and join him-it's not really all about us.

Last night set the theory, the foundation. My mind and heart searched long into the night for the application. I have never felt the call to board a plane as a missionary. My heart is sold out to mission work here at home in the form of rescuing the unborn and their mothers from spiritual and physical death. Yet I do have a heart to sow into other forms of missions. But how? And how do I make it real to my children?

Our homeschool curriculum, Sonlight, comes into play here. I have been thankful for this curriculum in many ways but never have I been so deeply moved by Sonlight's role in my family's missions training. Sonlight starts out introducing the world to youngest students-they purposefully order their studies to reduce the typical myopic view. Hope, as a "second grader" is learning about people groups, world religions and world culture before learning American History in a couple of years. We are praying for a people group each week and she's hearing missionary stories on a regular basis. Ashlyn, who's doing junior high level work has studied more missionaries than I can recall, but at least a couple per year. Believe it or not, even in the PreK curriculum put together by Sonlight, there are missions focused resources.

What all this means is that while I didn't even know to appreciate the global missions mindset, I've been teaching it to my children all along. I had some of the applications in place, just because of the curriculum, and my new understanding is now adding passion. How thankful I am that Sonlight is wise and already so missions focused (they actually started by putting together curriculum for missionaries without access to libraries and bookstores). My children have already had their hearts pointed in this direction in spite of my ignorance!

I feel I'm just getting a glimpse of all this...I am drawn to study more, pray more and prepare more. What if my child is called to serve an unreached people group? That's not safe! What if she's persecuted or even worse--martyred?

Yet, if that's what brings God the most glory...I need to be okay with that...

I'm sure I'll be back on this topic as I've picked (back) up John Piper's Let the Nations be Glad and my heart has forever been changed with the charge to pray like never before...


If you'd like to read some of Dave's teachings, go to this blog and scroll down to the July & August entries. You'll be challenged and blessed, I promise!

Picture Day

Yesterday morning we spent some time at an old church building I'd passed a million times but never really noticed. A friend who just happens to be a stellar photographer showed us the place and took some shots of the family and my baby belly. Shane grabbed our camera as well and had fun shooting the girls while Jonna did my pictures.

Let me back up though-we all wore white shirts. Jaybird wasn't dressed yet and she came to me while I was getting ready. She had a white shirt with dark purple flowers on it. Her heart was set on wearing it, but no one would help her put it on since that wasn't what she was supposed to wear. Being the girl who knows what she wants, she ran away to find her pink plaid swim suit. Yep, she put it on right over her purple flowered shirt. Ta-da! She's ready for her picture to be made! This is so "her" by the way.

I'll be putting more in my sidebar as well as showing off the professional ones as soon as we get them!

We are in a stage of closing doors. The most obvious is the closing the door of me working outside our home. The transition has gone better than I anticipated. When I left the other center to stay home with Ashlyn and Hope, it took quite some time to adjust to the switch from professional clothes and meetings to mommy clothes and diaper changes.

Our family is larger now, with more work to be done, which accounts for part of the ease. Maybe since I'm older I can more appreciate the peace that comes from a less harried lifestyle.

Of course, there's the closing of the door to our land. I had to write a description of our land for a realtor this weekend and I had to fight back the tears. Yes, me who's ready to just sell and move on. I can't go out there now that the days are so nice or I'll change my mind! Once the leaves start changing, there's no way any of us should set foot on that property!

Another door needs to stay a mystery for a little longer, but believe me, it still comes with a bittersweet taste. In the long run, we believe it will bring a more peaceful pace to our abode. Plans are underway right now to close this door. I can't wait to update you when the time is right.

A final door that I'm just not sure about closing is the door to more children. I told my cousin in an email this morning that I find it quite unfair that couples with two children often find it so easy to make the permanent decision while here I am with five children and I'm faltering! It's not that I necessarily want more children, but I am so unsure about ending our fertile years. It seems that if God gave us fertility for a good ten more years, who are we to tell God we don't want it? To be honest, I feel like we're considering making a quick leap and not looking back. I just can't do it yet. I need more time to work through the philosophical side...am I crazy?

May the Lord help us all as we navigate our open & closed doors :) Many blessings to you this week as you seek his will.

Half-way living

At life group this week we talked about being light out in the world and what consequences come from being a "Jesus Freak".

We also talked about being pro-life but struggling when people around us, also claiming to be pro-life say that abortion is okay in some circumstances.

The Lord (or the Benadryl) put something in my heart I can't move past. I don't know yet what He's trying to tell me but I keep thinking about how the above examples illustrate living in the middle of the road. It's easiest to be a Christian but not be a witness or to be pro-life but still tolerate some cases of abortion.

Our culture does not pride itself on being excellent, praiseworthy, or fully dedicated to anything (other than oneself or pop culture). America's favorite value right now is tolerance. Not tolerance of strong Christian beliefs, but tolerance of everything else under the sun.

I am an all-or-nothing type. I don't go into any project without being armed with information. It's a coping device for insecurity, I'm sure, but it's still my reality. I don't get half way into anything-I go overboard, just ask my poor husband who's patiently listened to me drone on about scores of ideas & plans over the years.

As I was pondering this half-way living thing, I kept thinking that I was above it. After all, I'm sold out to everything I'm involved in: pro-life work, mothering, being the best wife I can be...this obviously doesn't apply to me.

Oh, but it does. And I think the Lord wants to show me in just how many ways it applies to me. Ouch.

I know when I worked, my parenting was not what it is now. I didn't have the patience I now have and I did a lot of parenting in auto-pilot mode. It's probable that I still meander into that half-way mothering.

After reading Same Kind of Different as Me, I could identify more with Ron, the rich man who starting serving the homeless because his wife was passionate about it. He wasn't comfortable getting too close; he mainly wanted to do his serving in the food line and go home. Denver, in contrast, quietly & regularly cleaned up an invalid lying in his own bodily fluids in a shoddy nursing home. Would I do that? Not for someone who treated me the way that man treated Denver, that's for sure.

Right now that's all I've got. But I have a strong feeling the Lord wants to show me more. I'll leave you with this verse to ponder:

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Oh, one little thing-I don't want this to come across as a legalistic thing. As Christians we are called to do all things as unto the Lord (with excellence). I want what I'm called to do to be done wholeheartedly for Him, nothing halfway. No floating along with the culture. Make sense?

Purist Me

I am such a purist. Well, if I claim to be a purist just in this one way, can I carry it out to the rest of my life? I like that idea, so I say that I can ;)

When I had Beth via planned C-section, obviously I had an epidural. At my 6 week check up I told my doctor of my terrible headache that pulsed like lightening every time I bent over. He gently laughed and said that since I'm a "clean girl" who doesn't drink, smoke or do any drugs, the anesthetic affected me more severely.

Well, apparently that "clean girl" stuff works the same way with Benadryl. I took 2 just before life group tonight. I have no idea if what I shared was coherent, but if it were like my driving on the way home, it's safe to say I made zero sense. On the way home I had to fully concentrate to drive. I kept trying to get the windshield clear of the fine mist that kept forming and veered eerily close to a row of telephone poles. My reaction time was so slow that I just gently veered back to my station on the road. Then I needed to turn right on red and did so. With no real concern for the cars on my left who had the right-of-way. Thankfully, one turned left without a blinker, so all was well. Or maybe they just saw me coming. I wasn't trying to drive this way, I just felt like I was drunk, but with much less laughter.

I called Shane at work to tell him goodnight at 9:30. He commented that it was a little early. I assured him I was safer in bed. We have water in the phone line somewhere and the connection became too full of static to hear him, but I think he was trying to ask me if the kids knew what to do if Momma flipped out. Poor guy!

Pride comes before a fall. At my OB appt this week, Shane (aka the germ freak) got onto me for touching the elevator buttons. I said, "I made it just fine through two rounds of strep throat, I'm not getting sick from these stupid buttons. Here, let me just lick them for you." Of course I didn't, but I was tempted.

Now here I sit miserable waiting for my third dose of Benadryl of the day to kick in. I felt fine until the powder incident, but surely the powder couldn't cause all this pain & pressure in my sinuses-my teeth even hurt! I'm sticking to the powder, though, 'cause if I don't, I have to admit I shouldn't have touched those elevator buttons.

I just finished Same Kind of Different As Me. It may be one of the best books I've read. I don't like to re-read books, but I would this one. I need my own copy. I hope to have less medicine head soon so I can blog about it. There were some great quotes in there. Amazing story.