We may not have a middle name for this baby, but we finally came to a conclusion that might mean she's not the caboose.
This is crazy, just hang in here with me.
This may be the first time God's asked me to do something big that I've not wanted to do. At all. I feel like Jonah. If I had my druthers, I'd go the opposite direction than where it appears we're heading.
I've stated to friends and I believe here on the blog that I just don't know what to do with the fact that God probably has a good ten (or more!) more years of fertility ahead for me. I just can't make myself believe that it's okay to just cut that off. He didn't put it there by accident after all.
So, I've thought and prayed for the last few weeks. We made a vasectomy consult appt. with Shane's doctor. We cancelled per my request. I've really been wrestling with this. I came upon a passage in Let the Nations be Glad (of all books-it's about missions, not family size!). It's referring to Adam & Eve and then to all men:
They are finite and do not have the wisdom to know all the factors to take into account in living a happy life. Only God knows all that needs to be known. Therefore, humans have no right to be independent of God. Independent judgment about what is helpful and harmful is folly and rebellion.
John Piper put to words my exact thoughts.
As I read this to Shane this morning, we discussed the fact that there is no black & white way to say what decisions can be made in our own judgments and what can't. So, if we make the decision that our kids can spend the day with their grandparents without first consulting God, are we exercising independent judgment?
That's a good question, but not the point here. The point is that altering one of our bodies in a way to forever close the door on additional children (without a clear peace about it from God or a medical reason-which we have neither of) is probably an act of independent judgment. Shane and I both agreed to this. In the Sonic parking lot.
Interestingly, I don't find using non-abortifacient birth control methods convicting at all. I guess I feel God has so much more control in that situation. Our hearts can still be open to a change of mind. In the past, we've used NFP with hearts constantly open to God's intervening. If God allowed a pregnancy to occur or if He were to speak to our hearts to tell us we weren't done, we were great with it.
I can't say I'm great with it now. I am satisfied with our 5. I am not interested in being on the Discovery Channel with a family the size of a small village. Answering the questions that come to big families is not on my favorite things to do list...and weddings and college might do us in...
Yet I know to run like Jonah is not the right answer. There is no (affordable) boat back to Nineveh. It's a one way trip and I'm sure tempted to buy a ticket. I'm jealous of my friends who so easily made the decision without all this internal turmoil. Why do they get the pass? Believe me friends, there's no judgment here, just wonder about why it's been so different for me.
All I know is this: if it's true that I can't really know what will make me happy and that I can't know what will happen in the future, then I can rest in the fact that my Father does. Yet I still might have to pray strength over the Trojans before they're used, lol!
So, if any of you have a way to answer the are you done yet question to strangers in Wal Mart, I'd love your help!
11 comments:
I know you have really struggled with this. I am glad that you all are really talking it out and not making a hasty decision. Just remember, my decision was for multiple reasons. But, now, I am back to square one. You will know what to do when the time is right.
Leah
Brittany and I are in a totally different place, so I don't have an answer to the "are you done yet?" question because we're just starting.
...and honestly, we've only had a few people ask us if we were insane for wanting to start with three... so, I'm not sure.
May God grant us all wisdom and peace in this area. I know I could sure use more!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
~Luke
I admire your tenacity to seek Him. And Girl, this cookie-cutter family of four's got your back whether y'all have five or ten or fifteen. And when you are on the Discovery Channel, you better give me a shout-out. loveya!
I so feel ya sister. You know this is such a tough choice. I have no idea why it is that great Godly women I know can easily say that the Lord is done with their family at 2 or 3 children and I struggle with 5 shutting the baby store. It makes me think that the Lord isnt through with me yet.
As for an answer to the are you done yet question... my husband thinks he would like to say "Are you ever going to have sex again? Because that is what you meant to say isnt it?"
I know this has been a difficult journey for you and I think your trust in the Lord is incredible.
as far as this...
"if any of you have a way to answer the are you done yet question to strangers in Wal Mart, I'd love your help!"
I find this to be one of the rudest questions ever and not deserving of an answer of any kind. Just walk away and pray that the Lord will show them how inappropriate their behavior was!
"Are you done yet?"
"Oh, no. We still have a good six or seven to go."
That'll shut 'em up!
As for your decision - I think we all have our callings in life. I think YOUR calling is to be a mom, and this is God's way of telling you so. It doesn't really matter how many chidren you have - what matters is that you love and care for each of them. Weather you have five or twenty five - it'll be God's plan.
I feel your choice is really honoring to God. I was convicted about this issue 4 years ago after reading Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free. I feel that women of God need to examine this area of His sovereignty in their lives and decide if their decision is based on culture or the word of God. Thank you for your openness in sharing.
Leslie
LOVE your blog ... and your absolute honesty.
My dh had a vas reversal in 2005--we were that convicted that we had taken from God part of His control over our lives. That said, I do not begrudge anyone else doing it. Clearly, my conviction is my own, and does not have any bearing on the call placed on the lives of others. I believe that God asks some people to walk different roads. Maybe yours just happens to involve strangers in WalMart. :-)
You know I also have struggled with the same issue, but I want God's desire more. I know you do to. Much of our own selfishness gets in the way of following God's heart. He will give your heart peace when you're done. I firmly believe that. I've always wanted a big family. I think their awesome! I wish I had grown up with five sister. Would have been a blast! Your heart is pure and He will honor your obedience. He won't call you to do anything that you can't do...I know you know that. It's not about u...it's about future generations. We have discussed this before and I know your heart on it. Sometimes in our Christian walk we do things simply out of obedience and then trust God to bring the feeling later. If nothing else, just trust the Lord and you are obeying His call and He will bring the feelings later. Obedience is better than sacrifice. And who cares about the people in Wal-Mart...what do they know anyways? Most people speak our of ignorance anyways whether in regards to homeschooling, family size, or anything, the people that tout the loudest are usually the most ignorant of the facts. Just my .02 cents. Love your heart!
Sorry about the typos. Forget to proofread.
wow! I am preg. with baby #5 due in a couple of mths. I started to seek what was right and wrong with preg. control when I was preg. with my #4 (first boy)My reason started with whats healthy and lead me to what is right with God. I read "be fruitful and multiply" which lead me to a lot of points of importance. (alone with the fact that prevention of babies came strong with the feminist movement!) I must say that I find it frustrating when other women say that "God just made some women to have babies" or "your so Blessed", having several children isn't any easier for me than it is for you or someone with one or two children! God allows my body to get preg. and He might do so with more women if they would allow Him. Just because I have several doesn't mean that I have no other interest in life either (oh, thats the other reason I hear from women, "I would love to have another baby, but just don't time"-as if I have all this extra time.!)
so anyway, I am very content with 5 children, (or at least a nice maybe 5 year break) I just don't know what is right with God on making this happen. I don't want to push away Blessings from God, but I also know that my body and brain need to get healthy--plus my training on my children I already have has lacked a lot because I'm tired and slacking in my duties. (maybe thats just being selfish/lazy)
For the women that tell me that they think cutting off fertility is ok, I just ask for them to show me that Bible passage so I can feel that way too. (so far- I just get personal opionion which is based on "feelings"---which no matter who you are, those change and are usually based on personal "wants")
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